


Emma Swan vs The Darkness

by wingedlioness



Series: bunny comedy [1]
Category: Once Upon a Time (TV)
Genre: Gen, Post-Finale, birthday drabble, crack!fic, silliness abound
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-06-08
Updated: 2015-09-14
Packaged: 2018-04-03 11:23:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 5,648
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4099216
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wingedlioness/pseuds/wingedlioness
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The Darkness tries to break Emma's spirit in order to fully possess her. Emma proves remarkably resilient.</p><p>Finally retitled!</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Round 1: Welcome to Dark One Orientation!

**Author's Note:**

  * For [scapeartist](https://archiveofourown.org/users/scapeartist/gifts).



> This is inspired by a ridiculous post-finale convo w/scapeartist on tumblr. So, now she receives this silly crack!fic as her birthday present.

The Darkness waited. Long had it suffered being tethered to human souls, all varying in brightness and intensity. It transferred hosts in the darkest of acts and never ceased to derive satisfaction as its dagger entered the heart of yet another captor. So this…was new. This Saviour, sacrificing herself before it was able to truly feast on even a single soul (at least it managed to feed enough on that damned Apprentice to exact a token of revenge for its imprisonment).  
While it had never had to entice a pure soul before, it had seduced a few reluctant ones throughout the millennia. It would just need to add a few Land Without Magic touches and all would be complete…

 

Emma awoke groggily, eyes blurry and throat dry and scratchy. A bit as if she'd been crying…oh right. The Darkness.  
The Darkness!  
She bolted upright, checking her hands for scales immediately. Oddly enough it seemed that she was still in her sweater and jeans, skin looked as pale as ever and judging by the errant golden strands in her periphery, her hair was intact. Well, so much for her subconscious fear of turning into another Rumplestiltskin. Now it was time to figure where she was so she could go find this Merlin (and seriously? Merlin?). Then home.  
She seemed to be in some sort of room. A dank, musty room to be precise. Emma snorted. It was almost reminiscent of where those various help/therapy groups, the ones she was mandated to attend as a “troubled” foster kid, would meet. In fact, her eyes lighted upon a sad looking banner, “Welcome to Dark One Orientation!”

 

The Darkness loomed with happiness. From the cursory glimpses it had received of the LWM, the room and atmosphere would be ideal to break down any sane person and allow them to succumb to the darkness. Perhaps it would finally be as free as possible, with this vessel from another land. It just needed to wait…

 

Emma laughed. The banner…was almost kind of cute. What a relief, to know someone involved in this whole crazy ridiculous world had a rather fantastic (if totally weird) sense of humour.

 

The Darkness felt triumph at her laughter. She must be close to giving up, embracing her fate. But. Something about her chuckling… No, everything was going to plan, it was sure of it.

 

The room inspection yielded a stack of worn chairs, a water cooler, a beat up bathroom door, and…a food table! Yes! Emma’s stomach growled in anticipation.

 

Feeling as it would burst from smugness, the Darkness knew that its victory was close at hand. Food seemed to be all too important to humans, even the most steadfast had fallen when greeted with these options for sustenance, regardless of realm of origin.

 

Emma perused the table. There seemed to be a few dry-looking bran muffins, definitely stale non-New York bagels, variety of cookies, and a plate of doughnuts. At the other end were styrofoam cups next to a coffee pot and a supply of generic juice boxes. Grabbing a chair from the stack, she placed it at an end and began loading some of everything but the bagels on a flimsy paper plate. She slid a juice box down the table and poured some of the coffee into a waiting cup. It didn't smell that bad. Hell, it smelled like coffee and at this point she didn't quite care if it was Starbucks or hand roasted or three days old. Emma chugged one cup as quickly as the heat would let her before refilling and heading back down the table to where she set up her plate.

 

Confusion reigned within the Darkness. This woman, this hero, showed no sign of mental or emotional deterioration. She was obviously fatigued, given her red eyes and slouching posture but nothing of her demeanor gave even the slightest hint of rage or selfishness. There was simply nothing there to work with.  
Yet.

The Darkness could be patient. The Saviour would break. She had to.

 

Emma hummed happily as she bit into a muffin. These actually weren't half bad. Sure, they were dry but they were totally edible. Hell, the entire selection was better than at least three of the homes she had been sent to.  
Finishing the last brittle chocolate chip cookie from her plate, Emma stretched. Her initial recon of the room had shown her no obvious way out. No door beyond the bathroom, no windows. There weren't even any ceiling vents. And, honestly, she was exhausted. Tethering the Darkness had been a lot more physical exertion than she had expected. Not to mention her little confession immediately prior… Emma turned a bit red. She finally said it. Finally told him and didn't even get to hear it back. Granted, she knew. The beautiful bastard said it every day in every way possible other than those three little but so precious words. And, knowing him, those would be the first three words she’d hear when he and Henry saw her again. She grinned to herself, her face still glowing a bit. As much as she’d prefer Henry stay safe in Storybrooke, she knew Killian would not deny her son from accompanying him. Her boys and their need for dashing rescues. She yawned. Rescuing herself could wait a few hours, she reasoned. It would be much easier having a bit of sleep in her, for one thing. Emma grabbed another couple of chairs and placed them in a row. Stretching once more, she laid down to curl into herself, shifting a bit. She's definitely slept in worse places, she thought, falling asleep in short order.

 

The Darkness howled within. How could this be! These tactics had never failed before! Humans were all entitled, selfish, greedy creatures. How could one of those disgusting beasts actually be content with mediocre food, decrepit accommodations, horrible beverages, and poor ambiance?!

 

As the Darkness thrashed angrily within itself, Emma’s mind slowly recharged with dreams of crashing waves, adolescent laughter, the brightest blue eyes, and enticing lips on hers…


	2. Round 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ridiculous continuation of a very silly story. No idea if I'll take it further, this is just to hopefully bring a laugh or two as we start getting bts photos and such. It also has the added bonus of distracting me from getting hopes or fears up.  
> Thank you so much for the kudos and hits thus far!

Never before had the Darkness so desperately wished for a head with which to bang against a wall or tree. Not only had its new host thrived through the normally onerous and mind-breaking “Orientation”, but she had actually managed to find an exit. It was obviously time for a change in tactics.

Emma paused in the sun kissed glade. It would be an excellent spot for a short respite. Looking around with care before settling on a fallen tree, she sighed. She couldn't quite remember how she got out of that bizarre room she originally woke up in. She knew she had checked for a door extensively before deciding on her nap (and what beautiful dreams that nap contained…). Emma had even shared her predicament with Dream Killian towards the end and woke up laughing at his “well that's bloody stupid. Every room has doors.” And sure enough, he was right. Emma was certain the door hadn't been there before but she had been pretty tired. Whatever, it was there and it led out. She had to guess that she was in the Enchanted Forest. Then again, there were certainly no lack of forests in her own realm so really, who knew. She would get to some sort of town and find out. Time to move on and get home. As far as unwanted dimension traveling went though, this wasn't too bad. It seemed a bit familiar even. It was warm but not uncomfortably so. The trees and sun appeared to be having the laziest and most brilliant of interplay. Little ribbons of light danced along the ground through the leaves, leading her on a sparkly path. Emma swore she could smell the ocean on the light breeze. Strangely enough she hadn't felt hungry since leaving the “Orientation” room, but knowing the ocean was nearby also meant there would probably be a stream or something she could drink from. She smiled. She knew the real reason of finding a beach thrilled her; easier access to her pirate boyfriend and pirate-in-training son.

The Darkness hummed. Perhaps this woman’s impatience to get home was the key.

 

**_Psst. If you set that tree on fire, this whole forest would just go up in flames. Imagine the raw beauty of it._ **

“Um, what?” Emma looked around. “Who's there? And why the hell would you want to burn down a forest?” She looked around suspiciously. She swore she felt an exasperated sigh.

**_Aren’t you just angry? Being stuck in the middle of nowhere? All alone? Fire could clear a path for you._ **

“Other than how dumb and potentially dangerous that would be? No, actually.” Emma looked around appraisingly, readying to move on. “In fact, it's kind of pretty here. I'm used to being alone and being ‘stuck’ in some forest is still better than jail.”

Silence.

“Who- what are you, anyway?”

**_But don't you miss your precious loved ones? Or do you know that they've replaced you and you don't matter?_ **

Emma rolled her eyes, continuing to pick a path through the trees.

_**Your son who isn't really, not in every sense. You have to share him with the Evil Queen. The woman that had you torn from your parents before even an hour was up.** _

Her steps didn't waver.

**_Your parents, living fine without you for twenty eight years, only claiming to miss you when their memories returned. How could they, when they didn't even know you?_ **

There was a pause, the Darkness knew it.

**_After years and years of not being wanted, your own parents, the heroic prince and princess, welcome you home with ‘loving arms’ only to toss you aside for a new baby the instant they can._ **

Emma whirled around. “Alright, that's it.” She glared at the seemingly empty air around her. “You can dredge up my past, remind me of my faults, but don't you DARE bring my innocent brother in to this!”

The Darkness snarled in response.

**_You know I'm right, little lost girl. You're an orphan and always will be. Never needed by those you love, never chosen. And not the same way you chose them time and time again. You always choose their happiness over your own. And what thanks do you get? None. None of them would choose you._ **

Laughter rang through the woods.

“For real? You're trying to tell me that none of them would choose me after Henry managed to track down his biological mom from a closed adoption. After my parents so desperately wanted the best for me, they put my potential darkness in another baby.” She grinned. “And I notice you didn't even bother trying to mention Hook. You know, the guy I love? The one who gave up his home to save me? Who’s spent every moment he's had choosing me? Hell, even in another world with a different personality he gave up his life for me!” Emma could feel the presence slink back. It almost felt like it was…pouting?

“Seriously,” she muttered. “Freakin’ demon, dark thing, whatever. What are you, five?”

The Darkness bristled.

**_A five year old would not appreciate the attractiveness of the “guy you love” the way I do._ **

**_Humph._ **

**_…_ **

**_Uh…_ **

**_Shit._ **


	3. Round 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Darkness continues to learn that Emma is much more than it bargained for, the poor thing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is gonna be a short one. It was either keep writing and have it get very long (with an indeterminate publishing date since I have no say on when I get to continue) or publish the bit of fun I had already.  
> I chose the latter.

 

The ocean sparkled at her, its blue waves winking at her under the bright, warm sun. Emma stretched her feet into the light sand, letting it fall between her toes. She leaned back into a tree, taking a moment to simply enjoy the cloudless sky and sea breeze. Her “companion” (captor?) had been unnaturally quiet since its accidental revelation. If she didn't know better she’d think it was sulking, although she was beginning to wonder…

“So,” Emma hummed innocently. “Got a thing for my guy, huh?” 

There was a decided silence after her query.

“Well, I can hardly blame you.”

“Like, look at the water over there. It's just the right blue, all I can see is his eyes.”

“The air smells like him. I swear that the sea is just embedded in his skin at this point. It has been what, 300 years or whatever.”

“And-“

The Darkness finally snapped.

_**Oh my word, woman, SILENCE!** _

Emma chuckled, settling back into the tree. 

_**You think you're so clever, that you now have all this power. That you know me so well simply because I made it apparent I find your lover attractive.** _

_**Not only have I known him longer, seen him more than you will ever live to, but he loves me as well, remember. He adores the darkness and embraced it for a long while. For most of his unnatural life, in fact.** _

As the Darkness ranted, Emma simply closed her eyes and waited for an appropriate pause. 

_**He hasn't even told you he loves you.** _

Emma opened an eye at that. Yawning theatrically, she stood up.

“You done?”

The Darkness preened.

“That's all true, sure whatever. You and I both know that he loves me. Of course he's never said it. He knows me too well. The idiot was in tears just to tell me that I'm his happy ending. He managed to hide his disappointment that I couldn't manage the words after he had given his life for me and Henry. I never ever thought I'd find someone who could love me enough to say he did and mean it, never mind loving me enough to not say it.”

The Darkness grumbled, _ **that doesn't even make sense.**_

“And that is why I'm with _him_ and not you,” Emma laughed.

“Well, I've gotten a moment to enjoy the scenery. Now how's ‘bout I work on making a raft or boat or…something”

The Darkness looked on incredulously. What in all the realms was this woman?

“Unless you wanna poof us back to Storybrooke? It'd save a lot of time and hey, we'd both get to see Killian faster?”

**_What's the point of a raft? You don't even know where you are._ **

The Darkness bristled. This person obviously knew nothing. Or had a death wish.

Emma grunted as she dragged a fallen log out of the edge of the woods onto the beach.

 “I may not know where I am but I do know that people tend to live at the edge of water. So,” she heaved another heavy branch out. “If I use the coast line, I'm more likely to run into some sort of settlement faster.” 

She smirked as she felt the Darkness groan around her. She was finding it quite cathartic to be pushing its buttons as well as she was apparently able to. Now was definitely the time to take pride in being “prickly”; Elsa would be highly entertained. 

The afternoon sun arced gently toward the horizon as Emma worked on making a sea-worthy vessel. 

The Darkness stewed in the warm air, watching as Emma worked. 

She sat back, examining the vine she was attempting to make into a rope. Neverland had been a while ago, sue her.

The Darkness sneered.

**_The Saviour can't even create a raft._ **

Emma smacked her palm against her forehead. 

“Ugh, duh! _Magic_. What the hell, brain? You'd think being _magically_ whisked away to what's probably a _magic_ island by a _magical_ entity you'd think of using your stupid _magic_!”

“Thanks, Darkness, One, whatever!”

Previously the Darkness had felt it could go no lower and once again this woman proved it wrong.

Emma sat and focused in on the materials she'd already gathered. She didn't need anything fancy, just a basic...sort...of...boat!

Her magic flashed around the logs and as the mist cleared, a very simple yet sturdy wide canoe was in their place. She leaned back with satisfaction.

"It may be no Jolly Roger, but it'll do."

She glanced towards the setting sun. It looked like her search for other people and a way back home would have to wait until the next day.

 

The Darkness had never felt so resigned in its life as it watched its supposed host curl up contentedly in her new vessel. How in all the realms did it get saddled with this obstinate, unbreakable woman?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My writing time is divided between this, a cs soulmate au, and provoking Jones brothers feels intermittently so as before, I don't know when things'll happen. If there's stuff you'd love to read, I can always see if it fits in.


	4. Round 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Darkness has had enough of this Emma person.

Three days.  
Three days.  
The Darkness couldn't take it anymore. For three days Emma Swan had cheerfully paddled down the coast. For three days she had hummed tunelessly. For three days she admired the view. For three days she touted the brilliance of her loved ones and made constant comments about how easy to would be for the Darkness to just poof them back to Storybrooke. The Darkness was feeling more drained and exhausted than it ever had in its centuries long existence.

_**Why?** _

“Hm?”

**_Just…why? Why are you, how are you so optimistic? Why is this not getting to you?_ **

“Ah, that.”

Emma gazed up at the stars.

“Because I finally believe they love me and will always find me. Well, that and it seems to be annoying the crap out of you.”

**_…_ ** **_Are you serious?_ **

Emma chuckled.

**_You are annoyingly, frustratingly confident and positive out of…spite?!_ **

“Well it sounds bad when you put it like that, but yeah. Definitely.”

The Darkness groaned.

**_I'm, I just can't with you._ **

Emma sat up straight, eyebrows knitted together.

"What does that even-"  
  
A explosion of wind and shadow surrounded her. She felt the sea water rise around the boat and splash down again, drenching her.  
  
She blinked in the sudden harsh sunlight, sodden hair stuck to her face. Her sweater was heavy and soaked against her skin but everything around her just felt lighter somehow.  
Before she could take stock of what the heck just happened, she heard a much larger splashing and some voices nearby.  
  
“Ahoy! Person off the port bow! Mom?!”

“Aye lad, that looks to be her! Dave, weigh anchor! Henry, throw the ladder over!”

“Emma! Is that you!”

“Emma, love!”

“Mom!”

“Emma!”  
  
The myriad of voices had Emma’s head swimming more than her abrupt arrival in front of the Jolly Roger. In a flurry activity her family swung a rope ladder down to her boat and her father climbed down hurriedly to gather her in his arms. As David cradled her head, she could hear her son and boyfriend complaining about how long he was detaining her before she was finally released with a shaky laugh and happy tears.

“Wait, seriously? Did you _all_ come to try and find me?”

“Of course. You think we were going to let Hook and Henry come alone? We’re your parents, Emma. And we figured it was never too earlyfor Neal to visit his ‘ancestral lands’.”

David held the bottom of the ladder and motioned for her to go ahead of him.

“You brought the baby?!”

“We weren't going to leave him behind,” he called after her.  
  
The moment she was near the top, gentle hands and hook pulled her over on to the deck. Her son engulfed her gleefully. She embraced him as eagerly but pried away suddenly.

“How long was I gone? I swear you're as tall as me now!”

Her family laughed around her while Henry pouted at her.

“It's only been five days, Mom, very funny.”

Emma appraised him thoughtfully.

“No kid, I mean, you're definitely taller. Geez, we’ll never be able to afford a house with the amount we have to spend on food.”

He rolled his eyes, grin never dimming, as Emma turned her attention to Mary Margaret and the bundle in her arms. Her mother held her as close as possible, including her little brother in their hug. Her mother's eyes were full and bright even while rimmed with red. After a long moment she softly pushed Emma over to her waiting pirate.  
  
“Killian…” She started.

He shook his head, placing his hook at her waist. Slowly, tenderly, he began a careful caress of her face, his eyes fixated on the path his fingers followed. Emma found herself holding her breath as her lover traced each feature and drank in the sight of her. Just when she thought her legs would no longer support her as his ministrations melted her strength away, Killian lifted her chin to make her eyes lock with his.

“I love you too.”

She launched herself at his lips.  
  
Where ordinarily the Darkness would be seething with jealousy, it found itself simply resigned.  It watched the couple reunited, lost in each other’s arms. It looked on as the boy took over the helm and pointed out things for Emma’s father to do. Her mother stood with the baby, trying to wipe away the happy tears that left tracks down her cheeks. It had known upon returning to Misthaven that it would lose any ability to corrupt this host, not that it was sure it ever had it in the first place.  
  
Sometime later, lips swollen and red, hair decidedly mussed, Emma and Killian rejoined Henry at the wheel. Her parents took that as a signal that it was safe to reconvene as a group.

“So how did you find me? Earlier you said something about our ancestral lands, are we in the a Enchanted Forest? How-?”

David and Mary Margaret exchanged a proud look and nodded towards her boys.

“It was all them. Henry scoured all the books Belle could give him on the Dark One and when that failed he stalked Mother Superior until the fairies let him pour through their library.”

“I wouldn't call it _stalking_.”

Emma shot an amused glance at her reddening teenager as David continued.

“There was an ancient texted that kept referring to the Enchanted Forest as Protector of the Mists when it hit us that the mists could mean Avalon, and since we’re dealing with Merlin…”

“Essentially we thought it was a calculated risk,” Mary Margaret cut in. “And if nothing else, it would get us closer to finding Merlin so he could help save you.”

“But the only one who saves you is you, aye love?”

Emma blushed a bit under Killian's adoring gaze. He seemed unable to tear his eyes away from her form, even as she was tucked into his side.

“Yeah, well, that's what I do,” she muttered back.

“So Henry went to Hook about trying to cross realms and he somehow contacted Ursula. She used her power to bring the Jolly Roger here and even promised to send us home after we found you.”

Emma couldn't help the wide smile as she snuggled closer in to Killian. She had known her boys would find her, would go to any length to do so.

“I'm a little surprised Regina let you come, kid.”

“Mom knew she wasn't going to be able to stop me. She just gave a billion lectures on safety and made sure we had enough supplies for like six weeks before letting us go. You should see the galley, it's super full! She even gave me a huge stack of new comics, ‘just in case’, she said. As if I would get _bored_ sailing or something!”

Henry and Killian scoffed simultaneously, sending Emma and Mary Margaret into giggles.

“Speaking of, where is Regina? What is everyone else up to? Is the town safe with just her there? She had seemed fixated on Robin and that whole crap with Zelena.”

The Darkness perked up. Maybe it would still get a chance to use the Evil Queen...

David shook his head as her mother answered.

“No actually, she's been pretty great. She decided to was high time to be a proper mayor and really try to change the town for the better. So she’s prioritizing needs and developing committees and all sorts of things. It's kind of exciting.”  
  
Ugh. The slight glimmer of hope the Darkness had snuffed out. If the Evil Queen was trying to be a proper and good ruler, she was probably truly changing too much to be of actual use. And Zelena was a whole bag of crazy the Darkness wanted to stay very _very_ far away from.  
  
As the sun dipped below the horizon and Emma and her family made their way below deck, the Darkness couldn't help but feel some sort of…restlessness. It realized that it didn't really want to try and corrupt anyone else. It most certainly didn't want to find a way back into Rumple’s heart. After just a short few days free of him, it was obvious how much the man had embraced it. And while it missed that bond considerably, it felt as though something irreversible had happened. It was craving something…new. Or something long-forgotten.  
Maybe returning to Storybrooke would ease this disquiet ache.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> At long last I have an end in sight! With luck and a spouse that spoils me, I may actually finish the last bit prior to the premiere. It's going to be...very silly. And I say that knowing fully how silly this fic is. That should give you an idea. Thank you to all who've read and kudoed and commented <3  
> I sincerely hope your time reading this has been enjoyable.


	5. Final Round

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Emma decides to assist the Darkness in finding its Happy Ending.  
> End result: probably a tie. But we'll call it for Emma.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Final chapter, at long last. I now have another crack!fic in the works and I swear I do have an actual like real person fic started. Honest. Crack!fics just seem to take over my brain.

Emma slid out from under the blanket as silently as possible. Her boyfriend might be a bit worn out and _very_ sated, but she knew that he was a light sleeper regardless. As much as she wished to snuggle into him further, she wanted to deal with her reluctant guest while everyone else slept. Emma climbed up to the empty deck, the Jolly taking herself in to dock at the edge of Storybrooke’s marina.  
  
It had been a quick journey, Ursula and Poseidon insisting upon a great feast before their trip back to the Land Without Magic. Her family were in exuberant spirits, her son writing down their tale in a small notebook, her father drinking jovially with the God of the Sea, Ursula singing for the baby and her mother, and her boyfriend showering her with constant affection. As they finally underwent the last leg of the journey, Killian demonstrated, several times over, his gratitude for her safe return so that she had no doubts whatsoever as to how much she was missed (and nearly made her wish to leave more often if that was the welcome she’d receive).

  
The lights of the town twinkled warmly at her, the faintest hint of sunlight hitting the eastern horizon.

“So… What now?”

She felt the Darkness stir beside her.

_**What do you mean?** _

“Are you done trying to take over my soul or whatever? Are you going to try to destroy the town?”

**_No._ **

“Just…no?”

The Darkness sighed.

**_No. I won't be taking over your soul, even if I wanted to anymore. You and your pirate effectively cut that option off from me anyway._ **

“Uhh…”

**_And I don't really…want that anymore._ **

Emma leaned against the railing and forced herself to move past the hidden implication and focus on that last confession.

“What about your happy ending?”

**_My…what?_ **

“Your happy ending. There must be something you want, something you had before maybe? Something you've never been able to have? Look, it's kind of my thing. Returning happy endings, helping people. Maybe we can do the same for you.”

“Although,” Emma grimaced. “If you say ‘taking over the world’ or something else equally dumb and evil, no dice.”

The air grew so still, the world felt as though it was holding its breath.

 _ **Let's try.**_  
  
_**…**_

  
When Emma offered to help the Darkness find its happy ending, she didn't think she end up camping outside of Granny’s scoping out potential partners for an ancient evil.  
After a long day of welcome back wishes and constant grilling about forms of “Happy Endings”, the Darkness decided that it was apparently lonely. Emma suspected her…activities with Killian since their reunion may have influenced the direction of the Darkness’s focus. She had no idea the logistics of this entire endeavour but figured, what the hell, she’d already done crazier things for this town.  
Until she found herself having to discuss the merits (or detractions) of every single resident of Storybrooke.

...

  
_**He seems nice.**_

“I'm pretty sure someone named ‘Happy’ isn't going to be too keen on dating an evil entity.”

“Aye, that and seeing as even Emma can't stand his winning personality, I have doubts as to whether anyone could.”

And no, Killian was not being useful. So much for being the supportive boyfriend. He insisted upon joining her outside so she could not look like a complete crazy person talking to herself. Speaking of crazy, there was Archie…

“What about him? He's nice too. And a psychiatrist would probably be more open about spending time with a, uh, complicated…person.”

_**Ugh, no way. His hair is all – just, no.** _

This was going to take a while.

_**...** _

  
“How about the wolf lass? She is quite easy on the eyes and is a rather fearsome creature, whichever form she's in.”

“Oh no. Killian, we are not setting up Ruby with the Dark One.”

“Whyever not, love?”

**_Yes, why not? The captain is right. Her legs seem to just go on for ages._ **

“Because last person I saw her interested in had been a _mouse_ in the Enchanted Forest, and was a rather shy, very sweet mechanic here. Not exactly a dark persona.”

“I think you're selling her short, darling. I believe she's more than tough enough to handle a centuries old creature.”

Emma jabbed her finger into Killian's side, affectively dislodging his quirked eyebrow. There was no way she was going to try explaining to her mother why she set up her best friend with the embodiment of darkness.

“Well then, perhaps her grandmother? Mistress Lucas is easily as formidable: a master of the culinary arts as well as archery.”

Emma was positive she broke the table with the weight of her head as she let it thunk down.

This…was not going well.

**_..._ **

  
“August!”

“Your friend, the wooden man?”

“ _Yes_. I don't know why I didn't think of him earlier. How ‘bout him?”

**_He is the one climbing off that metal vehicle now, yes?_ **

“Yep!”

Emma waited as patiently as possible, which at this point was not very. Maybe, just maybe, this bizarre matchmaking session would be at an end.

_**He is moderately attractive I suppose.** _

“He's an author and knows a bit about making bad decisions. He'd probably be fascinated with the idea.”

“Aye, that he would. Tell me, Dark One, how do you feel about addictive personalities?”

“Wait, what now?” Emma hissed. They had finally be getting somewhere, what on earth was Killian doing.

“Only felt it good form to add a fair warning, the creature had just dealt with a coward addicted to power for centuries after all. Although perhaps they like that in a match.”

**_Ooooh no, not a chance. I don't think I could handle another one of those._ **

“But… I… Killian what on earth are you talking about, addictive personality?”

He chuckled, “the rogue is quite well known at the Rabbit Hole, love. Seems he can't help but gamble there most nights. Mate’s pretty good too, until he gets wrangled further in. He just can't seem to quit when he's ahead.”

**_Pfft. I suppose we can keep him as a “maybe”, a last resort, perhaps. He's just pretty enough for that._ **

Emma was not going to survive this.

_..._

  
**_Oh her. She's gorgeous._**

“Regina. Really? Are you even trying?”

Emma sighed.

“Since apparently it's not obvious to you, the way she's hanging on to her man candy indicates that she is very much taken.”

“Man ‘candy’, love?”

Emma rolled her eyes at Killian's slightly perplexed and affronted tone.

“You know you're hotter, go play with my father or something. You’re not helping.”

He pouted at her incredulously.

“No, I'm serious,” she glared. “You. Are. Not. Helping. I'd rather people think I'm crazy.”

Killian looked away, chastised.

“Sorry love, I couldn't help myself.”

“I know. And I love you. Now shoo.”

She smiled at him and let him distract her with an apologetic kiss before nudging him away.  
Emma couldn't help the slightly lecherous grin as he swaggered away. She noticed several others also admiring the view as he went by.  Beside her she felt the Darkness sigh.

**_Now why can't I have one of that form?_ **

“Because that one’s mine.”

**_I know that. But he doesn't have a brother or sister or anything?_ **

“Nope. His only brother is long dead, sorry. Look, I think you've gotten fixated on the physical and we really need –“

**_But he has a brother?_ **

“Had. His brother is dead. Gone. No more. Several centuries ago, in fact.”

**_That is such a horrible shame. How did it happen, do you know?_ **

Emma suspected the sorrow came from its inability to date Killian’s brother, and less about his passing.

“Dreamshade.”

**_Dreamshade - from Neverland?_ **

“Um, yeah.”

_**Oh well then that's fine then!** _

Emma sputtered her new cocoa over the table.

“What do you mean that's ‘fine’?!”

Instead of an answer, Emma felt the Darkness coalescing beside her, amassing all its power.  
A loud POP reverberated down Main Street.  
Emma peeked out from behind her fingers, not exactly excited to see what the Darkness had done.  
At first glance everything seemed the same as before.

“So…”

The Darkness seemed smug.

**_Wish you had said something earlier. Magical deaths are possible to reverse, particularly one from such a minor thing as Dreamshade._ **

“Ah,” Emma replied weakly. “Of course. Silly me.”

**_Now that that's settled, I believe I shall enjoy the fruits of my labour._ **

Whereas Emma found herself wishing she could somehow be spared from whatever crisis was likely to happen next.  
A (really) handsome guy seemed to appear out of nowhere before giving Emma a slight bow and continuing on into Granny's. He looked kind of familiar, although she was pretty sure she would remember seeing a guy like that – oh no.  
Before the door swung shut again, Emma could hear the start of what was going to be a crazy chapter in her already surreal life.

“Ah! Little brother! Why in blazes are you out of uniform?”

“You mean younger br– “

Her boyfriend was speechless, pretty sure that meant the world was ending or something. Which was good because Emma had the sneaking suspicion that Storybrooke would not be able to handle two Jones men; it could barely handle one.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you very very very much all of you that read this and enjoyed it, reblogged, liked, kudo'ed, and commented. It's been a bit of a blast to write. Come say hi on tumblr if you'd like!


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